Humor Face

Sports Stars Tell Us Things: Magic Johnson

2010-03-19T15:09:00.002-04:00

The first in a series of short animations featuring audio clips from some of the world's most talented athletes.

Sports Stars Tell Us Things: Magic Johnson from Matt James on Vimeo.

Dreams of the Ticketmaster Computer (#2)

2009-06-11T18:04:00.005-04:00

Dream #2: "Testify 2:30"

CONCLUSION: This one is easy. The Ticketmaster computer is telling us to listen to Rage Against the Machine's song Testify at two minutes and 30 seconds in. That's when Tom Morello goes into a solo that every computer loves because it sounds like a modem. Click the play button above for the best modem solo ever.

Dreams of the Ticketmaster Computer (#1)

2009-06-09T15:28:00.007-04:00

Ticketmaster, like many other less evil websites, uses captcha (No, that word is not "capture" spoken in a heavy Boston accent) to make sure that only humans can buy tickets. For some reason computers aren't allowed to buy Billy Joel tickets... I don't know why. But what I do know is that these captcha phrases are not just random words strung together. Anyone who's seen movies knows that while computers might not have feelings, they're always trying to tell you shit. So every once in a while from now on, whenever I get around to it, I'll be logging on to Ticketmaster, pretending to be interested in Phish tickets and capturing the captcha in an attempt to visualize the dreams of the Ticketmaster computer. WHAT IS THE TICKETMASTER COMPUTER TRYING TO TELL US?!?

The first dream to be interpreted: "3,000 wonders"

CONCLUSION: EITHER the Ticketmaster computer is predicting a wave of social activism led by a small army of Stevie Wonders OR the Ticketmaster computer LOVES Stevie Wonder.

Earth to Michael Steele

2009-05-18T15:46:00.005-04:00

RNC Chairman Michael Steele said something pretty stupid over the weekend.

Quoted from the above article:
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele recast the gay marriage debate as a fiscal issue Saturday, saying allowing same-sex couples to marry places a financial burden on business.

In a breakfast speech to delegates of the Georgia Republican convention, Steele put himself in the shoes of a small business owner having to pay for health care and life insurance for a same-sex couple.

"Now all of a sudden I've got someone who wasn't a spouse before, that I had no responsibility for, who is now getting claimed as a spouse that I now have financial responsibility for," Steele said. "So how do I pay for that? Who pays for that? You just cost me money."

You fucking idiot. That's the same argument used by slave owners against abolition in 1862. "If the system changes and things are actually fair for everyone, well that's going to cost me a lot of money. Therefore, we should keep things the way that they are."

And furthermore, by his stupid logic, it's all marriage that's bad for small business, not just gay marriage. Anytime anyone takes a spouse it's going to cost small business owners. So no one get married if you want to save our economy.

Michael Steele - against the Emancipation Proclamation (for financial reasons), against marriage (for financial reasons).

There's the hip-hop makeover you promised the GOP! It's still all about the Benjamins, baby. Unless we're talking about two guys named Benjamin who want to marry each other. Then it's all about the Benjamins not having equal rights.

MEGATRON WANTS WHAT'S IN MY MIND

2009-05-17T16:07:00.002-04:00

I saw Star Trek this past week and even though it was really great there was one line from my movie-going experience that I couldn't get out of my head.

Not from Star Trek though. It was from the trailer for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen:

I made an infuriatingly obnoxious ytmnd page.

I'm so sorry.

Uh Oh! I Found the Snickers Font on the Internet...

2009-04-03T16:53:00.012-04:00

I think the last one would actually fit in pretty well with their current ad campaign. If Master P isn't too obscure for them to reference then why not Münchausen syndrome?

YES. I Have a Twitter Account.

2009-03-11T19:58:00.007-04:00

No, I don't remember my login information. This is because I have no intention of using twitter.

Here's the thing with Twitter: Twitter is stupid.

Here is a list:
•Invest money with Bernie Madoff
•Do hard drugs even though you don't want to
•Crocs
•Join the Nazi party in 1930's Germany
•Purchase a lil' Wayne album
•Use Twitter

Here is what that list is of:
Things people do because everyone else is doing it.

If you don't already know, Twitter is the latest big wave in internet social networking. It's based on the idea that any and every random thought that you have during the day should be archived on the internet and shared with everyone you know.

At any point in time you can post roughly two dozen words to the internet and have all your friends read those words.

For instance, if I were Shaquille O'Neal, I might whip out my cell phone and say to the world:

Or, let's say that you're Dave Matthews and you have a revelation that people need to hear about:

Or perhaps, you're John McCain and you'd like everyone to know that you are, in fact, still alive? Well, you'd probably tell the teenager that you pay to use computers to post this:

My point is that the only people who should use Twitter are celebrities who I don't like. It's impossible to sound intelligent on Twitter. Just stop trying. If you're going to use Twitter I beg you to use it the way smart people (Andersen Cooper) use Twitter: No opinions. Nothing personal. No photos of the sneakers you're wearing today (Looking at you Diddy). Just links to your work for all the schmucks on Twitter to click on.

If anyone needs me, I'll be on Facebook.

This Great Thing Happened at the Museum of Modern Art (A While Ago)

2009-03-11T18:59:00.005-04:00

The other month (I've been AWOL - no need to explain) Joe Mande and I took part in a great event at the MoMA:

Silent but Deadly: An Evening of Comedy Shorts
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
7:00-10:30 P.M.
MoMA

Watch a selection of silent comedy shorts from MoMA's collection, followed by short videos made in response by some of today's finest comedians. Ron Magliozzi, Assistant Curator, Department of Film, along with his colleagues Steve Massa and Ben Model, have selected some "cruel and unusual" slapstick comedy shorts from the silent era that explore social, cultural, and political subjects in rude and shocking ways. PopRally has invited contemporary comedians to react with their own video creations. MoMA silent film accompanist Ben Model will be at the piano.

Comedian Max Silvestri will host this unique evening of historic shorts and comic creations by Nick Kroll, Joe Mande, Gabe & Jenny, ThunderAnt (Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein), You Look Nice Today, and more. A reception follows. Doors and bar open at 7:00; show starts promptly at 8:00.

Visit the PopRally Web site for further details on this event.

Pretty cool, huh?
I don't know where our video went on the internet so for now I present you with photographic evidence that Michel Gondry was at the event and therefore (unless he was asleep, in the bathroom, in the hallway on the phone, or closing his eyes while plugging his ears and going "lalalalala") saw a video that I made and possibly (complete speculation) chuckled at something I did.

Our New Fox News Show - Why Is This Happening?

2009-03-11T18:54:00.002-04:00

Me an Joe an Noah decided it was time to have a show on Fox News.

(Sorry Fran Drescher)

Obama Infomercial

2008-11-03T13:08:00.003-05:00

Look what Joe and Noah and I made:

Tell all your friends. And digg.

OBAMA TO CROWD:

2008-10-29T11:59:00.002-04:00

Joe and Noah's If We Were Charlie Gibson - The Palin Interview

2008-09-23T12:45:00.004-04:00

New video I made with Joe and Noah. Check it out. Show all your friends. Digg it. Please?

I Forgot to Post This Earlier.

2008-09-23T12:43:00.001-04:00

Joe and Noah are the adopted sons of Michelle Obama.

My Favorite Photo from the 08 Republican National Convention

2008-09-02T14:33:00.003-04:00

Look what I brought... A flag that poops.

Considering that it was the Republicans who tried to change "French fries" to "Freedom fries," one would assume they are familiar with what the French flag looks like. Alas, the riot police are left to wonder: "Whose gay-ass freedom-hating French dog is this?"

Joe and Noah on Charlie Rose

2008-08-14T12:49:00.001-04:00

It's a weird one:

Here's a link to the video on 236.com

The View with Joe and Noah

2008-08-07T13:50:00.003-04:00

This week Joe and Noah visit the ladies of The View to talk politics.

Here is a link to the video on 236.com where you can watch in higher quality and also "Digg" it.

Episode 3 - The McLaughlin Group with Noah and Joe and Drug Use

2008-08-01T15:04:00.005-04:00

Here's episode 3. If you are easily offended by marijuana use then I apologize in advance (for how square you are). Next week we'll be saying goodbye to The McLaughlin Group and saying hello to an entirely different television show. We've already picked out the show we'll be using and we're very excited.

Feel free to go to 236.com and comment and digg it and send it to all your friends and family and then feel ashamed about forwarding your grandmother three minutes of bong-hits, coughing and John Travolta movie referencing.

Episode 2 - The McLaughlin Group with Noah and Joe

2008-07-22T16:33:00.003-04:00

This week its all about the Washingtons, baby. (and bubbles)

Here's the link to the video on 236.com if y'all feel like telling them that you enjoyed the video. It would be swell if they continue to give us money in exchange for comedy.

The McLaughlin Group with Noah and Joe

2008-07-15T22:45:00.006-04:00

Here's a video I made with my good friends Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkel of Totally JK for 236.com (Sorta like the Huffington Post's answer to The Onion)

If you like it, feel free to comment on their site and tell them that you like it so that they like us a lot.

At least three more of these to come...

Hardly Worth An Entire Blog Entry

2008-06-17T12:51:00.005-04:00

Y'all know I got my own clothing line.

Here's the debut piece from my upcoming collection:

The Rorscach Vest
Because "test" and "vest" rhyme.
Haven't you always wanted a big vagina-monster on your vest?

The 3 Best Niche Dating Websites on the Internet

2008-06-12T16:45:00.017-04:00

No matter who you are or who/what you would like to have sex with, there is a dating site on the internet for you. Here are my three favorite niche dating websites:

#3: GothicMatch.com

When I first found a link to GothicMatch.com I assumed that I was about to be creeped out. When I clicked on the link I was proven right. No, it's not that goth people are shocking or disturbing to me. I went to public school. I get it, I've seen it. Vampires are cool - no argument from me on that point. But I couldn't shake the fact that togetherness and love are inherently anti-goth sentiments. Just look at their slogan:

"Never be alone in the dark again"

This is leading you away from a goth lifestyle. First you're not alone anymore. Then one day you're not in the dark either. Before you know it, NO ONE is giving you dirty looks when you walk into Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.

Right off the bat, I have two major issues with this website.

Issue #1
This is the only dating website I've found that lets you search for people under the age of 18. If you're this guy:
There is nothing stopping you from searching for 16 year-old goth girls. That's dangerous because anyone who went to public high school can tell you:
16 year-old goth girls are never, ever smart.
16 year-old goth girls crave attention from absolutely anyone.
16 year-old goth girls are known world-round as poor decision-makers:
Terrible decision
I can't think of a dating site where minors are more susceptible to statutory rape. And please know that I've deeply pondered this for over four entire minutes.

Issue #2
This site brags about shit that I would keep secret and never tell anyone. Ever.

Nowhere on this blog will you find any reference to an invitation being extended to me by Tyra Banks to be on her show. That's because I choose not to say things that would result in a call from the Tyra Banks show. Anyone can be on Tyra Banks' show. All you need to do is say something that Tyra Banks doesn't understand. That is exceedingly easy because Tyra Banks is so maddeningly stupid that she makes Magic Johnson look overly qualified as a television host.

Here are things that Tyra doesn't understand that you can say to get on her show:
"I am woman who likes to dress as a man."
"I am a dwarf."
"I love eating and I have no problem being over 300 pounds."

Look- just have your four year-old say "I don't like to play with black people" on camera.

Conclusion: Be less goth, more match.com. Also, someone please get these 16 year-olds off this site before they end up on a Tyra episode about teenage online dating disasters.

#2: FarmersOnly.com
I have to say, this is a pretty good idea. Dating for farmers, by farmers. FFBF, if you will. As the site claims, I imagine that it's quite difficult to meet new people if you're milking cows and sowing grains all day. Of all the niche dating sites I found, this one seems to be the most useful. Which is why I have to fundamentally disagree with their slogan:No, as a city folk, I assure you that I get it. It's pretty simple. You farmer folks just don't get that us city folks do get it.

That slogan has got me all uppity. What a clever slogan. Almost suspiciously clever... Almost as if I detected a hint of city folk in that slogan. So, I went straight to the contact info on the site and found a phone number with a 216 area code.

You know what google tells me about the 216 area code? That it's from METROPOLITAN CLEVELAND, OHIO. It's a sham! City folks are running farmersonly.com! That breaks the only rule of farmersonly.com. That's like Tyra running the KKK. It's like two Homer Simpsons being co-presidents of the No Homers Club. It's like Paul J. Dolan being the president of the "Cleveland Indians".Paul J. Dolan: Not an Indian.
Conclusion: For Farmers, By City Folks makes an unpronounceable acronym. (FFBCF)

#1: GayThugDating.com
Boy do I love this website. Granted, I didn't even finish the registration process, but what a URL that is. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that there are more farmers out there than gay thugs so unfortunately I can't say that gaythugdating.com is the most useful niche dating site out there. What I can say, is that according to gaythugdating.com, if you live in Avon, Maine, there are 2,988 gay thugs hiding in your town of 504 people.Lock up your front-row Madonna tickets, citizens of Avon.
And that number only represents the single gay thugs who've found gaythugdating.com. The real number of gay thugs in 99% white Avon, Maine, I can not even speculate on. Just check your attic every once in a while and use the buddy system when you go out into the woods.

What I'm getting at here is that gaythugdating.com is probably run by straight thugs who are taking down your gay thug name and address and putting it in one big gay thug database to use as intel in the impending American Thug Civil War. That's why I didn't finish registration. As a straight non-thug I can see a gay thug trap from a mile away.

Conclusion: If gay thugs are as good at hiding as I now have reason to believe, they might win this civil war. Plus they're probably more organized and in better shape.

Morbid TV Show Photoshopin'

2008-02-25T14:37:00.007-05:00

If I had a budget, these two ideas would be video shorts.

He's almost there anyway. If this were a video, the show would be exactly the same as Larry King Live except that Larry King would be hunched over dead on the desk, a little bit more decomposed each episode. Guests on the show would respond to questions played over the loudspeaker. All questions are sound-bites of Larry from when he was "live."

Again, it's the same show but they're dead. HERE'S THE TWIST: They're zombies. I find M*A*S*H so boring that I thought an even slower zombie pace would be a great idea. Also, I would love to see zombie Alan Alda practice zombie medicine.

The McLaughlin Group in 2 Minutes

2008-02-19T18:36:00.002-05:00

Ever watch The McLaughlin Group? Ever watch an entire episode? Boy is it difficult. I helped my good friends Joe and Noah of Totally JK compress the whole show into 2 juicy minutes of cordial political debate.

BYE BYE!

John Edwards Campaign T-Shirt

2008-01-16T17:14:00.000-05:00

He just can't stop saying it...

Another Rap Album Cover

2008-01-16T16:26:00.000-05:00

Looks like another Grammy is on the way...

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy Brings End To Writers Strike

2007-12-20T15:16:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA. - After seven weeks without any notable progress in negotiations, The Writers Guild of America (WGA) and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) have reached a preliminary agreement Thursday, ending a writer's strike that cost the American entertainment industry an estimated 80 million dollars. The pregnancy of Jamie Lynn Spears is said to have been the driving force behind the sudden headway in negotiations.

"I got a call from Jay [Leno] at two in the morning," said Nick Counter, current president of the AMPTP. "He told me we needed to meet immediately. I could tell from his voice something big was going on. He was at my front door in 20 minutes and before I knew it I was in a conference room in the middle of the night, pounding coffee and talking with everyone. You could walk into the room and feel it in the air. No one was going anywhere until an agreement was reached. No one was raising their voice. Both sides were finally listening. We even let Carson Daly say something at one point. We weren't about to miss out on the greatest comedic opportunity since Lorenna Bobbit."

"We couldn't just stand to the side in silence while a sixteen year old Spears is pregnant," remarked Bruce McCoy, writer for MadTV. "What if Walter Cronkite had been on strike when Kennedy was shot? We couldn't let that kind of thing happen."

Insensitive Lieberman Declares Thumb War on Former PoW McCain

2007-12-17T12:53:00.000-05:00

HILLSBOROUGH, NH - Moments after crossing (alleged) party lines to endorse Senator John McCain(R-Ariz.), Senator Joe Lieberman (I - Conn.) launched a surprise offensive, declaring thumb war in the middle of a crowded McCain rally. Senator John McCain, a former prisoner of war in Vietnam, was visibly startled by the action and refused to launch opposable opposition.

"I will not authorize a thumb war without definitive evidence of a credible threat to my ego," McCain was quoted as saying. "While I'm honored to have Senator Lieberman's support in the presidential race, I must point out that he is a tiny and ineffectual man who I have no interest in embarrassing. I find it alarmingly insensitive that Senator Lieberman would challenge me to a thumb war knowing full well my very personal experiences with unnecessary wars."

Lieberman's office responded by stating that "Joe Lieberman is important and should be taken seriously in thumb war. Joe Lieberman is also not afraid of rock, paper, or scissors. Joe Lieberman. Joe Lieberman. Joe Lieberman."

Many experts believe that Lieberman's endorsement of McCain was not genuine, but rather a brash attempt to slide himself into a possible running mate position alongside McCain. Regardless, top political analysts believe that Lieberman's chances at the vice-presidency have been reduced to zero, as there is no end in sight to Lieberman's unauthorized occupation of McCain's right hand.

That Was A Really Tense Movie

2007-12-17T11:10:00.000-05:00

Before the Storm Hits...

2007-12-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

At 2pm today the Mitchell Report comes out. For those who don't know, this report will name names (possibly over 50) of Major League Baseball players who've been using performance enhancing drugs. There are All-Stars and Cy Young award winners on this list. It's going to be a monumental day for the sport of baseball.

Word on the street is that SEVERAL big Yankees are going to be on the list. I, as a Boston Red Sox fan(and to a lesser degree - a Mets fan), am praying that none of my favorite players (Big Papi, Manny, Schilling, Beckett, Youklis, Reyes) are on that list.

I am also hoping that certain players are on that list:

This will be A-Rod's new nickname if he's on the list.
(And probably the headline of tomorrow's New York Post and/or Daily News)

Look for another update today after the list drops.

UPDATE:

Nope, not A-Rod. Just Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and a ton of the 2000 championship team. Oh well. ROID-ger Clemens? Not as good as A-Roid. Well, I can still make this work...

Enthusiasts of the Mundane (or Dead)

2007-12-12T14:44:00.001-05:00

www.npausa.com
That is the website for the National Pigeon Association of America.
The NPA is a group of people who are enthusiastic about unspectacular and common birds.
They have an official seal:

They have districts and representatives for those districts:

They have a junior pigeon club and they have meetings and competitions:

THE GLORY!!!

This photo was taken through a peephole because no one actually wants to be in the same room as these losers.

If you're interested in attending the NPA Great Lakes Grand National (The Academy Awards of the pigeon world), you can make your way to the Gibralter Trade Center in Mt. Clemens Michigan on January 24th, 25th and 26th. It's three days long so no excuses for missing out. Just make sure you remember the date because if you're not careful you could stumble into the wrong animal/trade show.

You don't want to be the only pigeon-toting tire-kicker under the pile of dead deer.

A quick glance at the Mt. Clemens Gibralter Trade Center website reveals some of the other great events that are sure to interest you:

It's time to relocate if the only things to do in your town are:
1. Kill animals
2. Love animals

Here's My Rap Album Cover

2007-12-10T13:35:00.000-05:00

Booze The Boss

2007-12-05T16:03:00.001-05:00

I swear this is not an elaborate photoshoppery. You can check youtube if you don't believe me.

Groundbreaking New Tim Burton Film Features Scissor-Crazed Social Outcast

2007-12-05T10:24:00.000-05:00

(click to enlarge)

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Internationally acclaimed director Tim Burton is reportedly putting the finishing touches on his latest film, due out this Christmas.

"Edward Scissors In Hands is a new direction for me and a personal revelation," revealed Burton from the top of his throne of discarded doll heads and chicken bones.

Set in a dark, gothic locale, Scissors In Hands stars Johnny Depp as a crazed social outcast living in an attic with a bunch of sharp shit all over the place. This film marks Depp's acting debut as a barber. A departure from previous works, Scissors In Hands is the first full musical Burton's ever attempted.

"I wanted to shake things up for my newest film," noted Burton. "I wanted to make people think 'Hey, I've never seen Johnny Depp make that face before.' So this time around I changed everything. Johnny usually doesn't sing. So, now I have him singing. Once I tried having scissors attached to Johnny's hands, but this time I decided to just place them in his hand."

"Not having the scissors physically attached to my hands gave me an overwhelming sense of freedom with my character," Depp explained. "Without that physical attachment, you really have to build an emotional attachment to the scissors."

Depp is currently on the set of Burton's newest production, a dark and gothic tale in which a soul-searching Batman ignores a Martian invasion and sets off on a spiritual quest to catch a gigantic fish but he's burdened by the talking gorillas attached to his bat-hands who are at war, making it difficult to hold a fishing pole.

Edward Scissors In Hands opens December 25th in theaters everywhere.

Visual Dream Log (Entry 1)

2007-10-05T15:07:00.001-04:00

I opened an eatery in Western Pennsylvania that serves only appetizers. My staff is made up entirely out of NBA JAM stars with John Stockton as the head chef and Penny Hardaway as an excellent waiter. My friends Bob Walles and James Beard moved to Western Pennsylvania for some reason, and they're regulars- something about lumber. After some debate I decided to wear an apron all the time even though I don't do any food preparation. It makes me look busy even though I just hang out in the kitchen and get in the way of my not-to-scale ex-NBA all-star staff.

In an effort to compete with the ball-pit at the local McDonalds I tried installing a block-pit but was taken aside by Horace Grant mid-way through construction. Horace said "Blocks is sharp." I thought he was complementing my choice of blocks over balls but he was instead raising very valid safety and liability concerns.

Goblin King Irate Over 29-Minute Domino's Pizza Delivery

2007-09-27T12:20:00.000-04:00

THE LABYRINTH, GOBLIN KINGDOM- Goblin King Jareth, 723, expressed great frustration Thursday evening after a failed attempt to abuse the Domino's Pizza "delivery in 30 minutes or it's free" policy. Veteran delivery boy Juan Esposito, 16, processed the King's order of a large sausage and onion pizza at 7:33pm and arrived at the top of Goblin Castle just 29 minutes later.

"I have no idea how he got from Earth to here in 29 minutes," stated Goblin King Jareth. "And I know fucking magic."

Esposito, a twelve-time employee of the month at the Union, NJ Domino's Pizza location, said his extensive knowledge of obscure and severely dated 80's movies played a large role in his delivery success.

"Well first I get angry with myself in the mirror. Then I hold the pizza real tight and I say 'I hate you! I wish the goblins would come to take me and the large sausage and onion pizza away!' Then I was in the labyrinth and I seen the movie so I know where I go to."

Caught off-guard by Eposito's punctuality, the Goblin King rushed from the shower, answering the door in a really gay 80's towel, unable to pay for his pizza.

"He say he no have American dollars so he pay me in fairy blood," recalled Esposito. "I put it on ebay and it only up to 6 dollar, seventy-five cent right now. He said it worth more."

In light of his miraculous delivery, Esposito is currently the front runner for the April employee of the month at the Union, NJ Domino's Pizza, although reports indicate that Ms. Jen Williams completely reorganized and cleaned the shelf in the office without anyone even telling her to do so.

I can't trust the internet to be right about things.

2007-05-01T13:01:00.000-04:00

How many times do you think you can lie to me in one day, internet?

One.

Two.

Three.

Four. The answer is four because I stop using the internet after four.

Although I already knew that the internet is full of lies, I did learn a really valuable lesson from today's frustrations: Everyone who works at Fox News is a bona fide square:
If I mistook cigarettes for pot, I too would believe that there is a marijuana epidemic. I mean it sure SEEMS like everyone is smoking really strong pot nowadays...

Notable News Story

2007-04-24T14:26:00.000-04:00

April 24, 2007 10:26am
Article from: NEWS.com.au

Knifeman Cuts Off Penis in Front of Diners
I've just realized that all it takes to be a "knifeman" (KNIFE + MAN) is a knife and a peni... you know what? All you need is a knife. This headline should read "Knifeunuch (Formerly Knifeman) Cuts Off Penis in Front of Diners." Also Knifeman sounds like a superhero. It sounds like a superhero cut his junk off in a busy London restaurant and that wasn't even his superpower.

A MAN has cut off his own penis with a large knife in front of diners at a busy London restaurant.
I imagine that any restaurant in which someone cuts off their own penis could easily be described as "busy." Wherever people cut off penises, there will be a crowd. It's like a David Blaine stunt but real and this guy's not a pussy (although he is literally closer to womanhood now). It's odd that it takes balls to cut off your own penis. ZING. But honestly, I don't know of a more manly way of shedding one's manhood. Although I haven't seen those "Saw" movies and I understand those movies have all sorts of wacky, rusty methods of depenisery.

Witness Stuart McMahon, who was eating at Zizzi in the Strand with his girlfriend on Sunday, told The Sun: "This guy came running in then charged into the kitchen, got a massive knife and started waving it about.
That's crazy.

"Everyone was screaming and running out as he jumped on a table, dropped his trousers and popped his penis out.
Okay, that's craaaaaazy. When penises "pop" you know that motherfucker means business.

"Then he cut it off. I couldn't believe it."
THEN HE CUT IT OFF? That's all you can say witness Stuart McMahon? How long did it take? WHAT DID HE DO WITH HIS PENIS AFTERWARDS STUART?! I can't believe it. I can't believe that we don't get to know if he was walking around like a chicken with his head cut off. Was he waving his penis? I bet you he waved that thing at people. I would wave my thing. I might throw it. I might.

Police said a man in his 30s was taken to a south London hospital where his condition was stable today.
No man who cuts his penis off today is "stable" tomorrow. Police said a man in his 30s was taken to a south London hospital where his condition was listed as "batshit fucking crazy with no dick, dude."

The only news story that could top this is "David Blaine Cuts Off Own Penis in Deserted London Restaurant" That is a straight-up dare David Blaine. Criss Angel would. And it would be fucking metal.

(click image to view)

Graphics for News Stories

2006-12-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

I whipped up some graphics that would appear in the upper right hand corner of the screen if one were doing news stories on the following:

"Sewage in lard" prompts new China health scare

Canada won't reopen same-sex marriage debate

I think you can figure out which is which: (click 'em for larger versions)

What Your Credit Card Says About You At The Supermarket

2006-12-08T03:12:00.000-05:00

Don't even think about asking me if I want paper or plastic. I've brought the nine pbs tote bags I've amassed from generously donating to public television for nearly a decade. I really don't need that smart ass look from you when you see me at the Shell station buying gas with this card.

I am the president of the national association for amateur radio. I secretly suspect that I can no longer be considered an amateur.

I am going to try to talk to you about dogs. Please just humor me. This is the only human interaction I'm going to get today. Yes. These are sweatpants.

You need to know that kiss was the greatest band ever. You missed out. You weren't there in the glory days. You never listened to "Getaway" and then told your mom to go fuck herself because you were going bowling and there was nothing she could do about it. Then I went bowling. Fuck her. Anyway I gotta get these groceries back so she can make Beefaroni.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE EXCLUSIVE MASTER CARD BEAR I GOT FOR SIGNING UP FOR THIS CARD. HIS NOSE IS A MASTERCARD LOGO. ISN'T THAT EXCITING? WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY ANTELOPE?

I am the President of the National Owl Society and I have a tremendous sense of humor. (Or at least that's what I tell everyone)

You've got two seconds before I tell you that the bridge on my credit card is the same bridge that the married couple drove off of in Beetlejuice. (It's not)

I never thought that photoshopping a Mallomar credit card and putting it on my blog would one day lead to a real life Mallomar credit card. I'm thrilled about my Mallomar rewards program, but I'm concerned that I've accidentally sentenced myself to a life full of obesity-related heart problems. Oops I forgot to grab milk. And chicken. Oh my god I only remembered the Mallomars.
I only remembered the Mallomars...

I got your urban art right here...

2006-12-04T04:23:00.000-05:00

Andre the Giant has a Pussy. It's really subtle.

Overdue Mel Gibson Photoshoppin'.

2006-12-04T03:46:00.000-05:00

I've done nothing with this since making it the day after the "sugar tits" incident... Now I release it onto the internet like a captive animal into the wild. Go photoshopped "What Women Want" movie poster. Go and don't look back.