The 3 Best Niche Dating Websites on the Internet

No matter who you are or who/what you would like to have sex with, there is a dating site on the internet for you. Here are my three favorite niche dating websites:

#3: GothicMatch.com

When I first found a link to GothicMatch.com I assumed that I was about to be creeped out. When I clicked on the link I was proven right. No, it's not that goth people are shocking or disturbing to me. I went to public school. I get it, I've seen it. Vampires are cool - no argument from me on that point. But I couldn't shake the fact that togetherness and love are inherently anti-goth sentiments. Just look at their slogan:

"Never be alone in the dark again"

This is leading you away from a goth lifestyle. First you're not alone anymore. Then one day you're not in the dark either. Before you know it, NO ONE is giving you dirty looks when you walk into Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.

Right off the bat, I have two major issues with this website.

Issue #1
This is the only dating website I've found that lets you search for people under the age of 18. If you're this guy:
There is nothing stopping you from searching for 16 year-old goth girls. That's dangerous because anyone who went to public high school can tell you:
16 year-old goth girls are never, ever smart.
16 year-old goth girls crave attention from absolutely anyone.
16 year-old goth girls are known world-round as poor decision-makers:
Terrible decision
I can't think of a dating site where minors are more susceptible to statutory rape. And please know that I've deeply pondered this for over four entire minutes.

Issue #2
This site brags about shit that I would keep secret and never tell anyone. Ever.


Nowhere on this blog will you find any reference to an invitation being extended to me by Tyra Banks to be on her show. That's because I choose not to say things that would result in a call from the Tyra Banks show. Anyone can be on Tyra Banks' show. All you need to do is say something that Tyra Banks doesn't understand. That is exceedingly easy because Tyra Banks is so maddeningly stupid that she makes Magic Johnson look overly qualified as a television host.

Here are things that Tyra doesn't understand that you can say to get on her show:
"I am woman who likes to dress as a man."
"I am a dwarf."
"I love eating and I have no problem being over 300 pounds."

Look- just have your four year-old say "I don't like to play with black people" on camera.

Conclusion: Be less goth, more match.com. Also, someone please get these 16 year-olds off this site before they end up on a Tyra episode about teenage online dating disasters.

#2: FarmersOnly.com
I have to say, this is a pretty good idea. Dating for farmers, by farmers. FFBF, if you will. As the site claims, I imagine that it's quite difficult to meet new people if you're milking cows and sowing grains all day. Of all the niche dating sites I found, this one seems to be the most useful. Which is why I have to fundamentally disagree with their slogan:No, as a city folk, I assure you that I get it. It's pretty simple. You farmer folks just don't get that us city folks do get it.

That slogan has got me all uppity. What a clever slogan. Almost suspiciously clever... Almost as if I detected a hint of city folk in that slogan. So, I went straight to the contact info on the site and found a phone number with a 216 area code.

You know what google tells me about the 216 area code? That it's from METROPOLITAN CLEVELAND, OHIO. It's a sham! City folks are running farmersonly.com! That breaks the only rule of farmersonly.com. That's like Tyra running the KKK. It's like two Homer Simpsons being co-presidents of the No Homers Club. It's like Paul J. Dolan being the president of the "Cleveland Indians".Paul J. Dolan: Not an Indian.
Conclusion: For Farmers, By City Folks makes an unpronounceable acronym. (FFBCF)

#1: GayThugDating.com
Boy do I love this website. Granted, I didn't even finish the registration process, but what a URL that is. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that there are more farmers out there than gay thugs so unfortunately I can't say that gaythugdating.com is the most useful niche dating site out there. What I can say, is that according to gaythugdating.com, if you live in Avon, Maine, there are 2,988 gay thugs hiding in your town of 504 people.Lock up your front-row Madonna tickets, citizens of Avon.
And that number only represents the single gay thugs who've found gaythugdating.com. The real number of gay thugs in 99% white Avon, Maine, I can not even speculate on. Just check your attic every once in a while and use the buddy system when you go out into the woods.

What I'm getting at here is that gaythugdating.com is probably run by straight thugs who are taking down your gay thug name and address and putting it in one big gay thug database to use as intel in the impending American Thug Civil War. That's why I didn't finish registration. As a straight non-thug I can see a gay thug trap from a mile away.

Conclusion: If gay thugs are as good at hiding as I now have reason to believe, they might win this civil war. Plus they're probably more organized and in better shape.