Thursday, December 20, 2007

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy Brings End To Writers Strike


LOS ANGELES, CA. - After seven weeks without any notable progress in negotiations, The Writers Guild of America (WGA) and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) have reached a preliminary agreement Thursday, ending a writer's strike that cost the American entertainment industry an estimated 80 million dollars. The pregnancy of Jamie Lynn Spears is said to have been the driving force behind the sudden headway in negotiations.

"I got a call from Jay [Leno] at two in the morning," said Nick Counter, current president of the AMPTP. "He told me we needed to meet immediately. I could tell from his voice something big was going on. He was at my front door in 20 minutes and before I knew it I was in a conference room in the middle of the night, pounding coffee and talking with everyone. You could walk into the room and feel it in the air. No one was going anywhere until an agreement was reached. No one was raising their voice. Both sides were finally listening. We even let Carson Daly say something at one point. We weren't about to miss out on the greatest comedic opportunity since Lorenna Bobbit."

"We couldn't just stand to the side in silence while a sixteen year old Spears is pregnant," remarked Bruce McCoy, writer for MadTV. "What if Walter Cronkite had been on strike when Kennedy was shot? We couldn't let that kind of thing happen."

Monday, December 17, 2007

Insensitive Lieberman Declares Thumb War on Former PoW McCain



HILLSBOROUGH, NH - Moments after crossing (alleged) party lines to endorse Senator John McCain(R-Ariz.), Senator Joe Lieberman (I - Conn.) launched a surprise offensive, declaring thumb war in the middle of a crowded McCain rally. Senator John McCain, a former prisoner of war in Vietnam, was visibly startled by the action and refused to launch opposable opposition.

"I will not authorize a thumb war without definitive evidence of a credible threat to my ego," McCain was quoted as saying. "While I'm honored to have Senator Lieberman's support in the presidential race, I must point out that he is a tiny and ineffectual man who I have no interest in embarrassing. I find it alarmingly insensitive that Senator Lieberman would challenge me to a thumb war knowing full well my very personal experiences with unnecessary wars."

Lieberman's office responded by stating that "Joe Lieberman is important and should be taken seriously in thumb war. Joe Lieberman is also not afraid of rock, paper, or scissors. Joe Lieberman. Joe Lieberman. Joe Lieberman."

Many experts believe that Lieberman's endorsement of McCain was not genuine, but rather a brash attempt to slide himself into a possible running mate position alongside McCain. Regardless, top political analysts believe that Lieberman's chances at the vice-presidency have been reduced to zero, as there is no end in sight to Lieberman's unauthorized occupation of McCain's right hand.

That Was A Really Tense Movie

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Before the Storm Hits...

At 2pm today the Mitchell Report comes out. For those who don't know, this report will name names (possibly over 50) of Major League Baseball players who've been using performance enhancing drugs. There are All-Stars and Cy Young award winners on this list. It's going to be a monumental day for the sport of baseball.

Word on the street is that SEVERAL big Yankees are going to be on the list. I, as a Boston Red Sox fan(and to a lesser degree - a Mets fan), am praying that none of my favorite players (Big Papi, Manny, Schilling, Beckett, Youklis, Reyes) are on that list.

I am also hoping that certain players are on that list:

This will be A-Rod's new nickname if he's on the list.
(And probably the headline of tomorrow's New York Post and/or Daily News)

Look for another update today after the list drops.

UPDATE:

Nope, not A-Rod. Just Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and a ton of the 2000 championship team. Oh well. ROID-ger Clemens? Not as good as A-Roid. Well, I can still make this work...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Enthusiasts of the Mundane (or Dead)

www.npausa.com
That is the website for the National Pigeon Association of America.
The NPA is a group of people who are enthusiastic about unspectacular and common birds.
They have an official seal:

They have districts and representatives for those districts:



They have a junior pigeon club and they have meetings and competitions:

THE GLORY!!!


This photo was taken through a peephole because no one actually wants to be in the same room as these losers.

If you're interested in attending the NPA Great Lakes Grand National (The Academy Awards of the pigeon world), you can make your way to the Gibralter Trade Center in Mt. Clemens Michigan on January 24th, 25th and 26th. It's three days long so no excuses for missing out. Just make sure you remember the date because if you're not careful you could stumble into the wrong animal/trade show.


You don't want to be the only pigeon-toting tire-kicker under the pile of dead deer.

A quick glance at the Mt. Clemens Gibralter Trade Center website reveals some of the other great events that are sure to interest you:



It's time to relocate if the only things to do in your town are:
1. Kill animals
2. Love animals

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Booze The Boss


I swear this is not an elaborate photoshoppery. You can check youtube if you don't believe me.

Groundbreaking New Tim Burton Film Features Scissor-Crazed Social Outcast

Sweeney Depp
(click to enlarge)


HOLLYWOOD, CA - Internationally acclaimed director Tim Burton is reportedly putting the finishing touches on his latest film, due out this Christmas.

"Edward Scissors In Hands is a new direction for me and a personal revelation," revealed Burton from the top of his throne of discarded doll heads and chicken bones.

Set in a dark, gothic locale, Scissors In Hands stars Johnny Depp as a crazed social outcast living in an attic with a bunch of sharp shit all over the place. This film marks Depp's acting debut as a barber. A departure from previous works, Scissors In Hands is the first full musical Burton's ever attempted.

"I wanted to shake things up for my newest film," noted Burton. "I wanted to make people think 'Hey, I've never seen Johnny Depp make that face before.' So this time around I changed everything. Johnny usually doesn't sing. So, now I have him singing. Once I tried having scissors attached to Johnny's hands, but this time I decided to just place them in his hand."

"Not having the scissors physically attached to my hands gave me an overwhelming sense of freedom with my character," Depp explained. "Without that physical attachment, you really have to build an emotional attachment to the scissors."

Depp is currently on the set of Burton's newest production, a dark and gothic tale in which a soul-searching Batman ignores a Martian invasion and sets off on a spiritual quest to catch a gigantic fish but he's burdened by the talking gorillas attached to his bat-hands who are at war, making it difficult to hold a fishing pole.

Edward Scissors In Hands opens December 25th in theaters everywhere.